Connections

Here we have the author in his natural element, out of hiding, ungroomed and unabashed. Why? Why not. Feels kinda’ good. I wanted to have a current picture of myself available for a friend to see how I look.

In other news, I’ve been quite absent from posting to my blog. There’s a lot happening in my life, but the real reason I haven’t written in a while is that I just didn’t feel like it. I guess I didn’t have anything to say, and anything that did come into my mind didn’t seem valuable enough to post. So now, I’m dissecting and explaining why I haven’t written instead of just writing. Brilliant! Don’t you love it how we can talk about the fact that we’re not talking or discuss a discussion rather than the subject?

The thought that compels me to write today is about relationships and why we have them. I’m not only talking about intimate relationships between partners. I’m also addressing the larger question of why we feel like creating and maintaining a connection with anyone at all. Why do we want or need friends? Family? Any kind of human contact?

Of course, there are those who claim that they do not need it, or indeed, prefer life without it. I can’t really pass judgement on whether one human can truly be happy by going without it–I’m not a psychologist–but my belief is that we all need that kind of contact and connection with others. I’ve come to realize that, at times, I’m desperate for it.

It could be argued that this need might be different for everyone, and it is probably heavily influence by nature and nurture. For example, someone with parents who expressed their love physically and verbally probably created a very strong connection with their parents and crave the same type of connection with others later in life. Others who had a different type of relationship with their parents or who experienced a different type of connection with other loved ones may react differently, but I think the need is still there.

So, is it better to be “tough”? If you’re the type of person who doesn’t have the strong urge like others might to make a connection, are you better off? Or does that path lead to an unhappy life, alone? I’m getting all melodramatic here, but you get the idea.

I guess the point is that I believe we all need and desire that in our lives, and it’s just a matter of creating it for ourselves. We can reach out to others as friends and make connections. When it comes to love, it’s more complicated, of course, but it’s still a choice of finding someone you get along with and like to spend time with and that feels the same way about you.

We tend to make it into a very big deal, I should know. I’ve watched way too many movies and read too many books that paint a fantastic picture of love: all romance, perfect, easy and determined by fate. But what if it’s just finding a friend that you can be with and you can have that connection with? Maybe it’s just a choice we make that satisfies the need in us. We need to have someone close to share things with and to get support from, and in turn we provide the same things to the other person. It’s really so simple.

I don’t like being alone. That’s okay. It’s not something I need to learn. I can be and have been before, but I don’t want to be. It’s not a psychological thing or a weakness that I need to work on. I’m just one of those people who really needs that connection and I get a lot out of it.

I miss you, M. 

Another good thought

The Daily Meditation:

If you find a good companion, who is following the same spiritual path, travel together, overcoming obstacles as they arise.. – Buddha

9-11 Anniversary

Since today is the anniversary of the tragedy that happened 9-11-01, I just wanted to post a few words. It was a terrible thing to happen and a depiction of how the world we build up around us allows us to forget our humanity and take the life of another person. It was inexcusable and the people who orchestrated and performed the attacks deserve whatever bad karma comes their way. But as people around the nation (and the world) participate in a moment of silence or take a moment to reflect, I think it’s important to think about the direction we are headed as a people and what started it.

Even though (or perhaps in part because of) I served as a soldier in the US Army for nearly five and a half years, I never thought military action was the solution. People that cheer the idea of war or think it is ever the answer don’t have a sense of what really happens to people in war–both the soldiers and victims on our side as well as our chosen “enemy”. At a time when our nation was shaken to it’s core, we should have taken the time for introspection, to think about why the attacks had taken place. What had we done to instigate them? What is it about us that made someone want to hurt us so bad? Sure there are times when there isn’t a rational explanation and nothing could be done to change the outcome, but it never hurts to do a little self-examination.

Instead we looked for the nearest scapegoat and set the wheels of war in motion. Whether Al-Qaeda was responsible or not, was the solution really to start a fight or retaliate when provoked? I guess history will answer that question, but I think we can ask ourselves that question now and reflect on all that has happened in the past six years. Have we made Iraq or Afghanistan a better place? Again, we won’t know the outcome anytime soon, but it’s worth considering whether the events of that historic day justify our response and what we hope to achieve. All I ask is that you think for yourself.

Ted, The Cockroach

I just wrote a long blog entry but decided not to post it. It was my writing. Fiction, but real. Too real, too personal and too revealing for me to be totally comfortable with right now. I’m working on letting it out more, not caring what other people think and being my authentic self, but for now it’s back in the closet. (In adding this qualifier I know I am just digging myself a hole or making the existing one deeper, but I can’t help but point out that I’m not talking about the closet. No, this blog is not revealing it’s latent homosexuality tonight. In fact, I’ll freely admit that I am one of the gayest straight guys I know. Ask my ex. Then ask her if I was gay in bed. Okay, dig, dig, dig, dig . . .)

Instead, I’m going to post this snippet that I wrote about a year ago while sitting in a coffee shop and thinking of things to write:

The cockroach, Ted, crawled out of a hole in the bottom of a urinal in the men’s room. Deftly avoiding the poisonous pink urinal cake, put there by an elderly janitor with the supposed intent to eliminate foul smells, but truthfully as an evil plan to kill cockroaches lured in by it’s sweet smell and smooth texture, he began his ascent of the great, white porcelain West Wall. Many of his kind had died attempting the climb. It was reputedly the toughest way, but he was sure that he could do it, and it would get him laid if he made it back to Cockroach Town.
He made his way up the slick, white walls until he was halfway to the top. He stopped for a rest break and suddenly had a fit of self-doubt. What the hell am I doing here? He could feel gravity again, his euphoria gone and his thoughts back to reality. The stress of the climb could be felt in his limbs, his long ascent from the sewage system below the city, up through pipes that gradually narrowed and became more slick with the leftovers of humans. He felt like an old man, even though he was only 37 days old.

This made me smile and laugh at the way I write, in a good way.

Intellectual snobbery

I was just talking with a friend about different types of people and how there are those who want to help others and then there are those who want to help themselves. That’s simplifying it, but it gets the idea across. In the former category we have individuals who are working toward improving the lives of others such as social workers, the Peace Corps and other philanthropic groups, doctors and scientists working to cure diseases, lobbyists and activists working to curb global warming, save animals, etc. and others. My friend has recently become a part of a group of people who all appear to be working for the betterment of others.

In contrast, he mentioned how the group he used to be a part of applies a veneer of caring and selflessness over a core that is actually blackened by the selfish pursuit of their own personal gains and monetary acquisitions. Maybe I’m being harsh and generalizing, but there is at least some truth to what I’ve said.

I’ve recently realized that I have a strong desire to do something better. I’ve always felt this way, but there are times in my life when that drive is more subdued. There are a variety of reasons, but it’s something I’m thinking about again. I am becoming reacquainted with things I knew about myself yet somehow forgot. I guess it’s easy to forget what really matters as we go about our daily routines, but I’m trying to remind myself every day.

Some thoughts

Is it better to have an opinion even if it is a “wrong” one rather than having no opinion at all?

I’ve never been the goal-setting type or one to write down my ideals. In fact, I’ve always considered myself somewhat morally ambiguous. But maybe that’s just been a cop-out, a way to avoid taking responsibility. I told my counselor yesterday that I’ve been realizing that my life really is in my own hands now. Not that it hasn’t always been, but I’ve always been able to sort of float along and not really think about repercussions for my actions or inactions.

The events of the past two years of my life are culminating in a new perspective. Maybe it’s because I recently turned 30, or because I broke up with my fiancée, or I’m realizing that my life is valuable even without another person’s validation. Of course it’s all of these combined and more. My daily Buddhist meditation is insightful, at least my interpretation of it.

I’m fluffing my subject matter. I always do. I guess it’s one quality that some writers have, but I tend to think the best ones don’t have to, they have so much to say. Concise. To the point: I want to make my life a simple one with the important parts being my progression as a scholar, my physical health and my happiness. There are probably other items that could be a part of the list or substitute one of the items above. But the point is clear, at least to me. And that’s all that matters.