Apparent vs. Intrinsic

I sometimes try to come up with a title for my post before I write it. Other times, I wait until it is complete and pull something from what I’ve written or try to sum it up in a clever, pithy way. This time I attempted the former, but when I looked up the definition of a word I was going to use I realized it couldn’t encompass all that I want to say. The Free Dictionary says of introspection, it is “[c]ontemplation of one’s own thoughts, feelings, and sensations; self-examination” which seemed appropriate enough. The problem came when I looked at introspectiveness. Specifically, in the thesaurus section it is related to thoughtfulness which is defined as “the trait of thinking carefully before acting.” It’s that last word that is the crux of the problem. But this posting isn’t about definitions.

The point is the disparity I’m recognizing between my internal and external worlds. What thoughts I have inside don’t get out very often. My opinions are hard-pressed to make themselves known because the words that come out of my mouth can’t paint an accurate picture of what’s in my head. Lately, I’ve been reminded of a line from Blazing Saddles: “My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.” The problem is getting that little spark that occurs between synapses to flash as brightly when it turns into words tripping off my tongue. Even though the phrase “trips off the tongue” is usually a positive thing referring to how eloquently one’s speech is, in my case the literal interpretation of trip is more appropriate.

Enough of this self-abuse. I don’t think I’m the only one who suffers from this malady. But what’s the cure? Of course writing offers an alternative. Words can be chosen with care, phrases carefully crafted, thoughts transcribed can be scrutinized to ensure they are illuminated fully. Not that I do that. I’m more of a rough draft kinda guy. (I digress into self-abuse and self-abasement. It’s a habit. [Or is it a defense? "Quick, look over there!"])

Not only is this property of inwardlookingwithoutoutwardspeaking an issue, but there is another that is perhaps more serious. What happens when our outward persona isn’t 100% representative of the ideas and beliefs we hold in high esteem on the inside? I would venture to say that most (if not all) people have some sort of emotional/mental barrier that creates a divergence between what they see as their true self and the self  they expose to the outside world. But what of those who are host to such a disagreement between the inner and the outer that they don’t approach the normal distribution of the two? I would normally call such individuals fake, but the gist is that I am one and I haven’t quite reached the point at which I’m willing to label myself as such.

I’m currently in the formative stage of developing my own philosophy. In particular, I’m trying to focus on what I think is important with the intent to let that be the guiding force in my life and the motivation behind decisions I make. Even though I’ve always been this person, with these thoughts and desires, I’ve not attempted to develop them further and allowed them to be a set of rules about how I live my life. So, coming back around to the subject of this posting and it’s elusive title, my retrospective evaluation of who I’ve been and how I’ve lived my life (hindsight being 20/20 and all), I’m wondering how I’ve allowed this person with these beliefs to be subjugated by the will of others, even those with no real power whom I meet socially or as an acquaintance at work, when there is something they say or exude that indicates their Weltanschauung is the antithesis of mine. There is that critical distance between the internal and the external.

Maybe I don’t have any balls. Maybe I am behaving as would normally be expected in polite society, non-confrontationally. (This carefully crafted entry into ye olde blogg files just went out the window as I invented a new word, or at least used a variant that hasn’t been formally recognized. I check the dictionary a lot….) My fear is that it’s because my conviction hasn’t been strong enough. I think I’m going to be testing it more.

Incidental: Blogging is such a narcissistic enterprise, isn’t it? As if we all think that what we have to say is important or different enough to demand the rapt attention of our audience.