On pleasure (then it rambles on from there…)

I take great satisfaction in getting things just right. If I’m writing, I really enjoy making a sentence just so or making sure an idea comes across in just such a way. When I make coffee, I strive for perfection every time. I don’t get there that often, but I feel so good when I get a really good shot of espresso. It’s that much better if I get a good shot of espresso AND I’m able to froth the milk just so and get a near-perfect cappuccino. Continuing with the coffee them, it’s the same if I get a really good cup from my french press, vacuum pot or aeropress, nicely balanced, not bitter or underextracted. As silly as it seems, I really get off on getting in the groove if I am playing Gran Turismo. I believe it’s realistic enough that it takes some skill to drive well, and I’ve always considered myself a driver, anyway. I like cars, love to drive, wish I could race for real and test myself. I love it when I’m in good shape and riding my bike is the same way. I have the strength and energy to charge up hills, maintain a high speed for a long time or keep a good pace up a protracted climb.

So there are these things, and I’ve always been into things like this. Maybe it’s just a guy thing. But there are these things that I am (or have been) passionate about: cars, motorcycles, bicycles, coffee, airplanes. And I really enjoy the skills that are required for the craft: driving fast, riding smoothly, racing, winning, making great coffee. I guess I’m a person who gets a lot of satisfaction from tactile sensations.

Does this realization mean that I really should devote myself to one of these passions as my profession? Is that where I would be the happiest? There’s really only one option right now when it comes to that: coffee. I’ve given up on being a professional driver. It takes too much money to get into racing and I’m already past the age when you should begin. I never really wanted to be a professional pilot for an airline. I wanted to fly fighter jets, or something like that. Hell, crop-dusting might be cool! And I’m not going to become a professional cyclist.

When I first got the idea of getting into the specialty coffee industry, I was really excited. I’ve always thought I would love to do something I’m really passionate about for work. I’ve done plenty of jobs that are just jobs, and they’re fine. You get money, you do the other stuff you really enjoy doing in your time off. Currently there’s a drive in my head to get a degree and do something with it in the professional world. I want it to be something that I am passionate about, too, but there isn’t anything big on the radar for me that says, “Pick me! Pick me!” I did feel that way about coffee for a little while, though. People that I knew thought it was a great idea because I was already a geek about coffee and knew more about it than all of them.

I always overanalyze. Right now I’m thinking about the limitations to giving up on school and getting into coffee, and wondering if it’s realistic or smart. I do the same thing about almost everything in my life recently. I’ve become much more hesitant to do things. I guess I’m not so young and gung-ho anymore. I think learning I had diabetes and the way I’ve chosen to deal with it has something to do with that. Feeling like I’m getting older and have less options does, too. And I’ve started thinking about when I’m old, my future. That’s weird for me. I never used to worry about health insurance, 401k retirement plans, making enough money, etc. I guess that was before I got “sick”, before I realized I’m in a lot of debt and started feeling more pressure to make something of myself.

I guess that last bit all comes down to the big question: where do I fit? What is my place in this world? There’s so much to think about, to worry over, obsess over. Sometimes I feel like there aren’t as many choices, and in fact maybe there’s only one correct path to lifelong happiness and doing what’s right for me. That makes it very difficult to decide anything. What if it’s the wrong choice? And then there are times I say, bah, it’s all bullshit, and tell myself to just get over it and get a move on! I will try to do that more, because what’s a life if it’s lived in fear?

The Knows vs. Know-nots

There’s a curious contrast between two types of people when it comes to knowledge. There are those who think they know, and then there are those who know they don’t. This idea has been around for a long time, and I’m probably not even the first to phrase it that way, but it’s very true. There are certain notions I’ve always had and held to be true, but lately I’ve received substantiation from the books I’m reading as part of my studies at the university. Socrates, of course, is famous for declaring that he knew nothing.

Some of Descartes’ proclamations in his Discourse on Method certainly resonate with my vision. He speaks of individuals who are able to debate at great length and with considerable skill topics which they know little to nothing about, having gleaned only a meager understanding of them through whatever education they received.

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I started this a while ago, but couldn’t finish it at the time and saved it as a draft. I don’t really have a better way to finish it up now, either, but I wanted to put the idea out there. Maybe by publishing it my thoughts will open up more and I can come to a resolution. Basically, I think a lot of people are phonies but have a remarkable ability to believe in their own BS and thus convince others. The problem with refuting what they say is that one has to be as sure of one’s own position in order to debate. If one is unsure and doesn’t want to take the stance the person they are opposing has adopted in that they know little but proclaim to know it all, then there is no way to effectively argue against them. (Is that just completely nonsensical?)

A person that has good rhetorical skills is a formidable opponent whether or not they are properly informed. With real knowledge, they are unbeatable.

I guess one question that could be asked is which is the greater virtue? Is it better to know that you know nothing and take no action because you cannot be sure, or is it better to take action (or, indeed, speak) without knowing and be sure of it? Maybe a truly wise person knows that they know nothing, yet know through inaction naught will be achieved and so continues on as sure as the person that believes they know, all the while understanding the falseness and necessity of their temerity?