Random blog entry #774

The following was written with the idea that I would go over it later, editing and refining it, maybe making it less stream-of-consciousness. But I didn’t. So it should be like most everything I’ve ever written here. I just wanted to add a disclaimer to say that.

 

I don’t know if I can write fiction right now. That’s the feeling that I have, that I can’t craft something appealing and meaningful while still keeping it distant and not too personal. The last point isn’t a requirement, of course, but currently I don’t feel like exposing myself more than I already have. Too many people (like two or three) that I know personally and talk to occasionally may read what I write, and my social structure is fragile enough right now that I don’t want to damage it. That’s the thought in my head, I can tell, even though I know that there hasn’t been damage done in the past when I’ve been open and vulnerable. If anything, sometimes it is better. But that doesn’t mean that the perception isn’t still there, and I just feel like whatever I wrote would boil down to being whining, needy and desperate. So I’ll just put it here instead, where some may still read it but it’s not “fiction” and I’m pretty sure at least one person won’t read it because I don’t think they know about it. Such a scared little boy…

The weird thing is, that’s complete bullshit. I’m hardly a scared little boy. I’ll kick your ass…and yours…yeah, you too. C’mon; bring it on. So maybe this has nothing to do with writing. Writing is the scapegoat. Using it as my topic allows me to introduce a notion which you probably don’t get yet, and which I’m not going to explain to you, but it’s something constantly swimming around in my psyche and my retort to it is: Fuck you! Okay, so what it is … it’s a cloak I hide behind. It’s a habit. It’s something I’ve always done. It’s saying “I don’t know” and then continuing on to answer or state something, showing that I do actually know, but somehow the disclaimer beforehand release me from all liability if you don’t like what I’m saying. I fucking well do know. And some people get to see that in me, and once in a while I do.

I want to blame our society. I want to say that it’s what we learn growing up: that some things are good and some things are bad; that we should do certain things to be successful and if we don’t then we are achieving less than we could, than we should; and maybe there’s a personality or character underneath that we’re born with or we somehow develop, I don’t know, that gets this framework built by society laid on top of it, and that framework ends up fettering us and keeping us from behaving as we would naturally. I started all of this out by saying “I want to…” which is another disclaimer, a way of making what I say less harsh somehow.

The funny thing is, I have this idea about natural behavior, survival of the fittest, and the way some of the ancient Greeks used to think about the strong taking what is theirs. I don’t like that type of behavior. I see it in modern times as an integral part of our corporate, capitalist structure, and the attitude that lead so many to despise the rich, the politicians, the greedy crooks of Enron and others who just haven’t been caught. So I don’t believe in what Ayn Rand wrote about in Atlas Shrugged. Anyway, what is the real value of gaining power, of being driven and successful, of being a mover and a shaker? I guess you could take the question to the next level and ask what really brings people happiness, what is “worth it” in this life, and if there is anything after it.

I don’t know if any of this will make sense to anyone else, or even to me later on. It may not be cohesive enough, but I’ve written plenty here that isn’t. The funny thing is, I could be a hell of a mover and a shaker if I chose to. I’d be a terror. But I’ve never had the inclination. Sure, I used to think I wanted to be rich and be able to afford all sorts of fast cars, but I realize that doesn’t really matter anymore. One thing that always comes up in my brain, though, is that maybe I really am ruthless, amoral, and a perfect match for the type of person I describe (at least in my head), but I’m just too scared or timid or something to let it show. My ex saw it in me and liked it, but she’s a lot more one of those people than I appear to be. It does feel good to wear the clothes, though–to step into that role once in a while, as needed, and have the power to own a situation, to take control. Yet I rebel against it so…

Wuv, twue wuv!

I’m a guy who likes chick flicks. I always have. It started by watching old movies when I was young. Movies like “Philadelphia Story”, “Father Goose”, “My Fair Lady” and “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”. You could probably blame my mom, but I don’t know if it was her influence or if I’ve always been so romantic. It’s not dead, you see? Romance. Even if it’s misguided or delusional, it’s not dead!

Reading a lot of books probably didn’t help, either. I guess a lot of writers–at least the ones I’ve read–are romantics at heart. How many stories, including screenplays, end up with some kind of happy ending? There’s a reason the “Hollywood ending” is a thing. I suppose you could place some blame on the director or the producers for movies, but it exists in literature too.

I guess there’s a part in all of us that really hopes that true love and “happily ever after” exist. It’s one of the things that can give meaning to our lives: a kiss from a loved one, a hug from a child, knowing you have an influence on someone else’s life and they want you in it.

I saw a movie called “27 Dresses” yesterday. I don’t know if I should admit that. It was fine, it really was. It had a few handsome Hollywood faces in it that belong to actors that probably have real talent. It didn’t seem too cheesy or cornball. In fact, now that I think of it, maybe they did a better job avoiding that with this movie than most romantic comedies. But even if it had been done differently, I would probably still fall for the idea of love. Even though you can see the ending coming from the start and predict almost every turn, it’s still an enjoyable ride for me. I thought the guy was hot, the girl was lovely and it ends happily ever after. THE END

Connections

Here we have the author in his natural element, out of hiding, ungroomed and unabashed. Why? Why not. Feels kinda’ good. I wanted to have a current picture of myself available for a friend to see how I look.

In other news, I’ve been quite absent from posting to my blog. There’s a lot happening in my life, but the real reason I haven’t written in a while is that I just didn’t feel like it. I guess I didn’t have anything to say, and anything that did come into my mind didn’t seem valuable enough to post. So now, I’m dissecting and explaining why I haven’t written instead of just writing. Brilliant! Don’t you love it how we can talk about the fact that we’re not talking or discuss a discussion rather than the subject?

The thought that compels me to write today is about relationships and why we have them. I’m not only talking about intimate relationships between partners. I’m also addressing the larger question of why we feel like creating and maintaining a connection with anyone at all. Why do we want or need friends? Family? Any kind of human contact?

Of course, there are those who claim that they do not need it, or indeed, prefer life without it. I can’t really pass judgement on whether one human can truly be happy by going without it–I’m not a psychologist–but my belief is that we all need that kind of contact and connection with others. I’ve come to realize that, at times, I’m desperate for it.

It could be argued that this need might be different for everyone, and it is probably heavily influence by nature and nurture. For example, someone with parents who expressed their love physically and verbally probably created a very strong connection with their parents and crave the same type of connection with others later in life. Others who had a different type of relationship with their parents or who experienced a different type of connection with other loved ones may react differently, but I think the need is still there.

So, is it better to be “tough”? If you’re the type of person who doesn’t have the strong urge like others might to make a connection, are you better off? Or does that path lead to an unhappy life, alone? I’m getting all melodramatic here, but you get the idea.

I guess the point is that I believe we all need and desire that in our lives, and it’s just a matter of creating it for ourselves. We can reach out to others as friends and make connections. When it comes to love, it’s more complicated, of course, but it’s still a choice of finding someone you get along with and like to spend time with and that feels the same way about you.

We tend to make it into a very big deal, I should know. I’ve watched way too many movies and read too many books that paint a fantastic picture of love: all romance, perfect, easy and determined by fate. But what if it’s just finding a friend that you can be with and you can have that connection with? Maybe it’s just a choice we make that satisfies the need in us. We need to have someone close to share things with and to get support from, and in turn we provide the same things to the other person. It’s really so simple.

I don’t like being alone. That’s okay. It’s not something I need to learn. I can be and have been before, but I don’t want to be. It’s not a psychological thing or a weakness that I need to work on. I’m just one of those people who really needs that connection and I get a lot out of it.

I miss you, M. 

Another good thought

The Daily Meditation:

If you find a good companion, who is following the same spiritual path, travel together, overcoming obstacles as they arise.. – Buddha

Capacity

Human beings are amazing and complex. We each have an incredible capacity: to achieve greatness, to perform incredible feats and show amazing compassion for our fellow man, for learning and for love. I know the potential for greatness isn’t a new idea, that we each have an amazing ability within us and it’s (unfortunately) not very common that it gets recognized and we actually do something about it.

That’s the flip side to our incredible capacity. We have the ability to deal with horrible tragedy in our lives, to ignore our own potential and not grab onto the power we possess, to harness it’s energy and direct it in an way that can help us achieve success and possibly greatness. We have the ability to overlook very important things in our life, big and small. And we can even convince ourselves that some things are either possible or impossible for us when they may be just the opposite.

I guess that is all a part of the idea that life is lived based on our own perspective. We all share ideas and we see things in the same way a lot of the time, but it’s probable that two people, say standing next to each other in a city waiting for the bus, have different views of the world. Again, it could be in a small way or the the difference could be massive. And yet, it is completely possible that the two could be convinced to see eye to eye or even reverse roles and take on the other’s view. That’s a part of the amazing capacity we have, the power of intellect.

I believe everyone has the ability to affect change in their life, and I think we all have the capacity for wonderful and terrible things. In some cases, the only things that separate a normal, well-adjusted and successful person from a killer on death row (or any other criminal or simply less-successful person) are circumstance and choice. That view may be a bit extreme and doesn’t take pathology into account, but I’m being general.

So what makes us choose one way or the other? Especially if we are aware of the choice and our own capacity? Do we choose the harder road that ultimately leads to success, or an easier route that might still be acceptable but ultimately fails to help us reach our potential? If you’re aware of the capacity and the choice, how do you choose between two things that appear equal or both contain positives and negatives that balance them out?

All of this is pure conjecture with examples of criminal choices and success in life thrown in to make differences obvious. But what if the differences aren’t obvious at all and involve another area of our life where there aren’t any well-defined boundaries to begin with? An area that is notoriously complex and slippery to begin with, maybe even more so than the grasp we have on our own capacity? What about love?

We have an amazing capacity for love, but how does it start or end? I don’t think there is a clear answer to that which is what makes it so complex and slippery. Likewise, our capacity and perspective come into play when we try to determine what love is, if we are in love, how to make choices about our love life and when (or whether) it should end. It’s not unfathomable to think that a new relationship can spark at any moment or that another can end in the blink of an eye. It’s all about our capacity to understand and love as well our ability to put that away in the back of our mind and ignore it. Choice.

Sometimes inexplicably, we make choices about our lives and relationships. Our capacity makes it possible to be carried away by romance such that we have heart palpitations and lose our breath for love, to fall for someone deeply, to eventually decide to share the rest of our lives and be partners and to adapt whenever things change as some of the romance fades or changes and the day-to-day life we share and all the little challenges and tasks become the primary focus. Just as easily we can choose to forget or ignore that feeling, or convince ourselves that it’s not “right” for some reason, to make a choice which we feel cannot be undone or feel like a choice has been made for us.

All of this makes us truly incredible and is the reason we are considered (by ourselves – how’s that for capacity) to be the highest form of life and the most intelligent. Our capacity for rational thought and logic are often cited as proof, but why not our incredible complexity? In a way, it’s frightening to think about, and it’s a very special burden to bear – to know of the things that are possible, to be able to devise a method to accomplish our goals, to know all of it rests on our particular perspective and the choice we’ve made and we have the capacity and ability to make a different choice. Neither choice is right or wrong so the comparison between the two doesn’t necessarily precipitate an obvious answer. Instead we’re left with ambiguity and choices that appear to branch of in directions that may or may not lead to the result we desire and seem to be equivalent. Incredible.

Psychoanalysis

I think maybe it’s time for a shrink. I suddenly feel like I have all sorts of issues. Not that I’d never considered it, but I never felt like things were out of my control or ability to fix. Maybe it’s no different now, but I’m considering it. There are possibly some issues with my past that might be good to talk about. I sometimes wonder about any effects my childhood might have had on my adult development. You know, Freudian shit. I wouldn’t go to a psychoanalyst, though.

Perhaps there are just other things going on in my life right now that are affecting me. I’ve been drinking a lot since my girlfriend left the country. I told myself that I wouldn’t, but I started the night she left (I think). I thought that it might just be a passing phase, and I would get over it and move on in a week or so. I haven’t. In the past I’ve noticed that drinking affects my mood and the way it swings up and down. You probably don’t have to be a genius to figure that out, but I do a good job of overlooking it most of the time. I decided not to drink tonight in hopes that my head would be more clear tomorrow to think.

Most of my thoughts are centered around the girlfriend who moved away. I’m not going to get into the details, but it has been tough being separated. I feel at turns angry, sad, scared, indifferent and otherwise confused. It’s so hard to know what to do. It feels like all of the decisions I haven’t made until now in my life have to be worked out before I can know. What about school? What about my freedom? There are many questions.

But back to the subject at hand. More than anything, I would like to have someone who I can tell anything to. All my supposed issues; my crackpot theories about why I am the way I am; the most deeply buried feelings and thoughts. I feel like my head is in a fog, and I can’t see my way through to understand my true thoughts and feelings. I only have access to those that run close to the surface, and the current tends to keep that a changing thing. Even if I try to focus on it and really think my way through, in a quiet room, caffeinated, rested, fed, content – my thoughts flit off like swallows with a string and I can’t grab ahold of one no matter how I try. In fact, they fly faster the harder I try. There are probably some good nests built by now.

So if I walked into a therapist’s office right now, I would tell them they only have a few months (at most) to fix me and help me figure out what I’m doing. My girlfriend is planning on visiting in August. I asked her to marry me, so actually she’s my fiancée. We’re not sure what the plan is yet, but we’re tentatively getting married when she visits and I will be moving back with her. I need to be sure that’s okay with me and figure out what to do in another country.

I made the decision to ask her because I felt it was right. Not because I felt pressured or because I was lonely, but because I know I love her and I love being with her. Somehow that all shuts down with her away and me by myself, and it’s almost as if I’ve always been this way. I am good at putting up walls. One of the things I love about being with her is that she unlocks a part of me that is new and I don’t feel like I’ve ever shared with anyone.

She disarms me and accepts me for who I am and what I am. I drove through our old neighborhood tonight and I was thinking about all that we’ve shared together. When I do, I feel pangs of emotion – nostalgia and sadness that she’s not with me now. Quickly those feelings are replaced with the same dull, flat grayness that my head floats in most of the time. Sometimes I try to hang onto the emotion or the thought that generated it, and I try to capitalize on it by letting it make me cry or to probe deeper and try to understand more. It always takes the swallows path away to the bird nest.

What does all of this mean? I can’t tell you right now. If it were another time and I read it all, I might be able to come up with a witty summation and play therapist for myself. But I just put the thoughts on screen through my fingers in a random fashion and . . . couldn’t even figure out how to end this sentence. I veered away from my topic and my intended material, but no matter. I think I’m getting carpal tunnel in my arms, so it’s time to stop typing now. ‘Til our next session on the couch . . .

Baby

I’m having a sugar-free mocchacinno pudding right now. How crazy is that? They keep coming up with funky flavors. I’m all for it. I wish there were more things available in sugar-free, but I think it’s coming. Hopefully it’s not just a fad that will go away.

I was thinking about how my relationship with M started today, and it makes me smile. It was illicit and we were like two horny teenagers at times. We snuck around; there would be quick visits at lunch time where I would want to tear her clothes off but couldn’t. It was pretty fucking hot, I have to say. She’s a sexy girl – very desirable. And I still feel that way about her, but it’s evolved. In a good way. We are now engaged to be married. I love her so much and it’s just great.

I have a lot of great memories with her. We have our moments of being down and out, but we are so electric together at other times. Maybe that is the only way it can be so good? I don’t know. What I do know is we have fun, she’s good for me as well as good to me. She makes me be a better person and want to do more, but she also accepts me as I am and takes such good care of me. I could go on and on . . .

So this young blog with it’s sporadic posts (total of five to date) is getting a name change and another makeover. It’s not about terms & conditions because there aren’t going to be any on what shows up here. Be forewarned, this blog can and will be random. It’s me. I won’t define it. Maybe I’ll visit more often if it feels like home.