Suddenly prolific

I felt like writing another post. I don’t know if I will make it all the way through or if it will be coherent. It’s past my bedtime. In fact, I’m already losing it.

I’ve been drinking a lot lately. I’m addicted, in a way. I don’t think I’m really an alcoholic (I know, I know – that’s one of the signs) but I do tend toward excess when I drink, especially alone. And I do it because I’m bored and there’s nothing else to do, or I’m angry and want to punish my body. Sometimes I just don’t want to think or feel, or I’m kind of sad and don’t care about anything. I recognize these are bad things and not good reasons to drink.

My fiancée recently said something in an email or on her blog about staying healthy so we can grow old together. That affected me. In addition, I’ve been thinking about things a lot anyway. I won’t try and go into detail. But I didn’t have anything to drink tonight. It makes me feel good in a way. More grown up, I guess, and sometimes I like being busy and not having time to be by myself and melancholy.

The other thing going on with me is my blood sugar levels have been bad. I’ve had quite a few highs lately, but also a couple of lows. It’s probably due in part to the drinking, staying up late and not being active. I haven’t done any exercise for a while. So earlier today, I shot up (insulin) when I had some late breakfast: two eggs and two peices of toast. Two units of Novolog. About an hour and a half later, my sister called and I started feeling kind of shaky. So I was talking to her and tested my blood sugar. It was below 80, so I ate an apple while we talked and had some Coke, but wasn’t feeling too hot.

Later on, after the phone call, I went to work for a while. I’ve been wanting some Chinese food for a while, so I went to the mall food court and got a combo with some coconut chicken (deep-fried), stir-fried vegetables and noodles. I tested and I was around 109. That’s good. I decided to shoot up and have some of the noodles, plus I knew the coating on the chicken and the sweetness of it would affect my blood sugar. Two units of Novolog.

Only bad thing is, after I pulled the needle out of my skin, it kept dripping insulin. To me, that indicates that it didn’t all get into my system, and I’m never sure how much actually did. I don’t know why it did that. So about two hours later I test, and I’m at 273 or something. That sucks, but confirms that I prolly didn’t get the full dose and maybe I ate too much or underestimated the carb count of what I was eating. Oh well. A few highs here and there aren’t going to kill me (yet); it just makes me lethargic.

So I leave work, talk on the phone a bit, have a gardenburger at home ’cause I’m hungry, sans bun, and take the dogs to the dog park. I talk on the phone some more there, run and play a little bit, and then I leave and stop at the grocery store. I wander the aisles a while until my eyes glaze over and I have about $130 worth of food.  I didn’t even remember to get a few things I wanted. Need to make a stupid list.

I get back home, feed the dogs, take groceries upstairs and decide I’d like to eat something. It’s been a while since my 273 and I’ve been busy, so I don’t think my number will be too high: 190. Higher than I was expecting, for sure. Depressing. Makes me want to have a drink. I rationalize that it makes my blood sugar drop. I decide not to and try to be more adult. I shoot up – two units of Novolog – and eat some food. Not even going to test again. If I come crashing down, I will wake up, but I’m pretty sure I ate plenty and will be fine. Just sucks.

I’ve been taking five units of Lantus every day. That’s one more than I used to, but I thought I needed to bump it up. I might need to more. We’ll see. I don’t have any other point to this post.

Something for later: about education, drive, want I want to do, how I need to keep my head in the right spot to do it, not drinking, etc.